E is for Erith (Kent).


Tales of Slades Green, Erith, Kent. (c)2009 Sarah B / Planet-Tharg
(Hand grenade football)
One of the favourite past-times of the Erith area, Well to be Honest the Slade Green area,
is a peculiar variant of football. A group of lads, (often plodding to or from a local pub) would head
for the marshes and ferret about in and around the old anti aircraft gun emplacements for an old hand
grenade, of which there are still a few to be found left rotting there from the last war.
The now rusting pin would be loosened, and whilst standing some distance apart they would kick the thing
to each other, a game hand grenade footie! The winner of the game was the fool who got himself blown
to pieces. I believe his prize was to buy the next beer for the others, although there is some doubt if
the "winner" would be capable of finding his wallet, which would probably have be blown some distance
away from the remaining parts of his body! Oh Well, No great loss to civilization!

(Erith's Oil Barrons)
Making a fortune by drilling for oil, Keeping the distribution in-house to maximise profits. Sounds like
big business to me! But not if you are a Marsh-dweller from Slade Green! The drilling for oil is done
at night, And delivery is by day in a grubby looking white transit van.
It works like this. A couple of chaps in a van full of plastic 4-gallon cans drive to a freight yard.
They have been out over the past few days to find likely sources of oil. When all is quiet they begin
taking the empty cans over to the diesel fuel storage tank and start filling up, Either in in the usual
way using the hose, or by drilling a hole in the bottom of the tank. After a few hours they have over 30
cans of fuel, and drive back towards home. Selling the fuel starts straight away. 10 gets you a plastic
can full of diesel oil which works out to be a saving of around 8 for the 4 gallons. "Let's have the cans
back when they're empty mate! We'll fill 'em up again next time!" So all over the Bexley area a few days
after the theft, Empty plastic four-gallon cans would be left in their twos, threes, and fours. A little
giveaway to the local police, But as the police have retired-out all the staff with brains, and replaced
them with mindless teenage button-pushers, they didn't benefit from that wonderful piece of evidance.
Six months later, and now running out places to rob within a few miles of home, our oil survey and drilling
team are now working at a yard just the other side of Dartford. There's nothing like travel to expand the
mind, and these fools didn't like to go much more than five miles from home. Out came the plastic cans ready
to be filled. Then out came the security guard, and then the police. The chase started, across both the
Dartford, then the Erith marshes. The helicopter had been tracking while they were on their evening stroll!
One of the adventurers arrived in slade green in the early hours of the morning. He was completely covered
in slimey smelly river Darenth mud and looking for somwhere to lay-low. As this was such an obvious crime
the police had it mostly sorted out within a few months and the supply of cheap fuel in Slade green, Bexley,
and Dartford was temporarily suspended!

(Indoor Gardening.)
A quiet semi-detached house in Slade Green. Recently bought by a Nigerian family. They weren't
living there, and had let the place out to a Chinese family. It was the quiet end of the road, and the
new residents wern't there very often. Time passed, and nothing seemed to be and different. until just
before the 5th of November 2005. Expecting a few fires, and fireworks is one thing, But seeing a large
part of slage green dis-appear under a cloud of smoke was quite un-expected. The house had a large quantity
of white smoke coming from the roof, and a few of the local chaps appeared with a ladder to make sure
nobody was still inside. The hallway and staircase was on fire, and the rest of the building was going up too.
A hose-pipe was seen in the hallway downstairs, and at first it was thought that the residents had tried
to put the fire out. The whole place was fitted with lamps, and was being used to grow cannabis. Virtually
every usable room was full of plants and lamps. The hose-pipe had beeen used to water the plants.
The electricity meter had been by-passed and cables had been run all over the house, the windows boarded over.
This house was the source of "Slade Green Gold". The fire service did a wonderful job and soon had the
flames under control. The next day the police followed, and had a look-around. The local residents went in
that evening and removed four black bags of "plant material" a television, DVD player, furnature, anything
else that was or wasn't nailed down. Even the fire-damaged and soaked carpets were stolen! The looting
continued for the next week, until the doors and windows were boarded up. Then the local kids (mostly between
seven, and seventeen) started kicking down the front wall and throwing bricks through the upper windows.
Many of the adults, and the parents of these vandals and thieves seemed not to care, and were only happy
that their foul-mouthed, criminal offspring had found something to do, somewhere else.
The roof of the adjoining property had been damaged too, so a team of scaffolders arrived the next week to
fit a temporary roof and work platforms. The local kids were all over it swinging from the tubes like monkeys
in a zoo. (Until a mixture of used engine oil and grease was painted over all of the lower scaffold tubes).
Parents are generally lacking in their control of their children in this area. The language of the parents,
and of some of the other adults in the area is at the least as highly offensive as their attitudes. It is
not really that supprising to find that the children they bring into this world, and then expect honest
taxpayers to support are the scum of the area, if not the county.

(General Notes...)
So much is the brain capacity of these marsh-dwellers limited. This area is infested with the
mentally deficient outcasts of the Bexley area. All manner of criminals, and an impressive variety of crimes
occupy this otherwise useless piece of contaminated, asbestos poisoned, land fill site. The only enjoyable
thought I have for the place is that, one day, a tidal-wave of large proportions will return the entire
area to a more natural state. This may happen sooner, and save me waiting for the "good news" if the scrap
dealers and vehicle scrap-yards based at the far end of Wallhouse Road expand their operations any further.
Further expansion would take them clean through the tidal barrier, which remains the only thing tempering
mother natures hand on the great Thames tidal toilet chain. Be it greed or nature, please flush these rats
and all that they do far out into the sea. Do it for the good of us all.


(c)2009 Sarah B / Planet-Tharg